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Hey everyone! I'm writing! I'll be sad if no one reads this, but I guess I won't be surprised, either. Well guys, how does it feel to be almost finished with our first semester of college? Have you guys changed at all? Have all your expectations been met? As for me (because I know you are all intensely fascinated with the innerworkings of my thoughts and emotions), the end of the semester brings relief, I have changed, and no, my expectations have not been met. But, that is not to say that they will never be met. I've been too lax in my entries (I always did have a talent for stating the obvious), so I can't really jump into the middle of my life and cathch you all up on what's happening. So, I will summarize the basic facts of my life as they stand now. School: my grades are not the best they have ever been, despite the fact that I'm only taking 14 credits. I've decided that chemistry is much too hard, and its difficulty overwhelms whatever joy I feel in the learning of it, and physics is not as satisfying as it was in high school, and unfortunately my test scores reflect that. I do, however, love my civilization class, and my physics lab class isn't too bad, and my Book of Mormon class is seminary all over again. Finals come in a week and a half for me, so I have yet to se what my final GPA is going to be. The moral of my college education thus far is that I need to study more. Family: I miss my family excruciatingly. I quickly realized that I depended on my family for a lot, if not most, of my social interaction back in high school. I'm not really homesick, but I miss being able to hug my little sister and joke around with my little brothers. On the up side, I have two sisters and a brother, and about fifty billion cousins up here in Utah, so I'm not completely isolated. Religion: Being at BYU, religion is obviously a huge part of my life, huger than it was back at home. Huge is such a funny word. just say it to yourself ... huge. Anyway, back to religion. You guys, when we reunite during Christmas holiday, I will not be able to explain what it is like here at BYU. I read about the exploits of college students at other campuses, and you guys, we really live in completely different worlds. I wish you all could be here to see what it is like. Hey, my roommate is back and I've got to go. I'll finish up later.

19 August, Monday Dear Everyone, well, I'm here at college, and I'm not going home. There isn't even a counselor to tell us when to go to bed. It is very fun. I'm really enjoying the BYU atmosphere, although, Martin, I feel very guilty opening your pitas account because I feel like I'm profaning the computers. Can you please change your title? Just kidding, I need a dose of the real world every now and then, and you give me just the right amount. So, I drove up to Utah last friday (the 16) and I barely got everything done. I was frantically trying to finish my summer job that morning, I had just done a last minute load of laundry and I had to pack those clothes, then I had to repack my clothes because I had too many boxes (I finally got it down to four boxes of clothes, and six other boxes of other stuff. pretty good if I do say so myself) And then I had to do some erands for my mom that I had forgotten to do earlier in the week because I was too busy hanging out with friends. When I left the house was a mess, the dishes weren't washed, and there was a pile of discarded clothes on the floor of my former room. My mom is going to die when she comes home from her trip. As for saying goodbye to everyone, it was okay. A little bit wierd, especially on my last day in LC because I knew that it would always be different when I came back. You guys just wait, you'll see. So, now I'm safely up at BYU, becoming well adjusted. Nothing too exciting has happened, although you guys will all get a kick out of an experience that happened to me my first night here. A few girls and I were out walking across campus late at night, like around 10:00 or so. All of a sudden we hear this person come pounding up behind us, and we turn around, and it's this guy that is yelling to us, "wait, wait!" So, we stopped, and this guy in glasses and a plaid shirt tucked in to his jeans starts talking. "well, my buddies were too shy to come up and talk to you, so I came over here for them. We wanted to go to this dance tonight, but we couldn't, so, uh, I guess we were wondering if you wanted to come to ice cream with us." Us girls just kind of looked at each other, and since we obviously weren't going anywhere, we didn't feel like we had a valid excuse to say no. so, we're like, "Okay, sure. That'll be fun." So, we walk over to where the other boys were standing and we introduced ourselves. "Hi, I'm adam. I'm julio, I'm from San Jose. Hi, I'm rachel, and this is Heather, . . . blah blah blah." Then they ask, "So, how old are you guys?" and I'm thinking, okay, now the game is up. We said, "Well, we're 18. Just freshmen, actually. In fact, the truth is we just got here today." I can kind of see them pause at that. then one of them is like, "oh. I mean, that's cool. I'm turning 24 next month, and Chris here is a little older" By this time I'm totally laughing up my sleeve because this is like a totally BYU moment gone terribly wrong. Then one of the guys says, "well, I'm actually expecting a call from another girl in a few minutes." And another guy is like "Yeah, I don't really have any money on me right now." And the other guy, Chris, the one who stopped us in the first place was like, "well, we can go somewhere and talk, at least" So we walk over to this little grassy patch and sit and talk. That part was actually pretty fun, but the whole time I'm like "Oh, geeze, this is so stupid. I wish I could bust out laughing right now." Then, this is the best part. After about 20 minutes or so, one of the guys is like (to the other guy), "Hey, don't we have someplace to be?" and the other guy is like, "What? oh yeah, that place. We have to meet up somewhere in a few minutes, I guess we'll see you soon. Good luck during your first year" And we (the girls) are like, "okay, later, good luck finding a wife" (I mean, not really, but I was thinking that) Well, after that the other two guys hung around for a few more minutes until they too had manufactured excuses. So, us girls were left alone once more, and we finished our walk. Isn't that funny? I thought it was. So, that's about it. Talk to you later!

Annie, have no fear, I am coming over tomorrow morning. I feel terrible, terrible, terrible that I can't come tonight. I had some unexpected visitors (Hans and Andrew) that stayed for an unexpected amount of time (but I enjoyed it very much, Andrew, and I'm glad I was able to exchange email), so the evening was wiled (how do you spell that) away, and then it was too late to go up to your house because figured you would be asleep early because you are sick. But, good news, I'm not leaving till kind of later in the morning tomorrow, so i will visit you tomorrow morning. You better not be at work! I wrote you an extra long, extra good story just to make up for it. Annie, I love love love you, and I'm going to die without you up at BYU! You had better be miserable without me here. And you better get in the habit of using your email. See you tomorrow, darling!

August 4, 2002 Do you ever feel like you're getting stupider and stupider (more and more stupid)? I hate that feeling. It seems like my brain is disintegrating. Dear me, how unfortunate, and just before college too. Well, I always had a sneaking suspicion that my supposed intelligence wasn't all it's cracked up to be, . . . now the rest of the world is just figuring it out, too. Darn it, now you've found me out. oh well, let's still have fun this summer, even if I can't make a coherent statement about it. Okay, sorry for this terrible wierd paragraph. See what I mean? It's like I'm having a mental lapse, but the question is, a lapse into what? I should just dye my hair blond.

31 July, 2002 I feel so uncertain. I hate that feeling of unsettling nervousness. I just feel so uncertain. Sorry for being so vague and mysterious.

July 26, 2002 Well, today is my sister's 24th birthday. I wrote her a letter this morning telling her how wonderful she is. That's always a satisfying thing to do, because I know how much I love getting those letters myself, and I know it will make her happy. That's one reason I love being a girl, because you can do things like that, I mean show your affection in a really open way, and no one cares. It's considered sweet. I mean, how many boys can tell other boys in a completely normal conversation, "you look really good today." Poor boys. Okay, change of topic. I had the best sleepover with Annie and Whitney Townsend. We stayed up till 5:00 in the morning talking about stuff and eating these wonderfully decadent fundge-covered mint oreos. Needless to say, I didn't go running the next morning. Hey, any of my friends that are reading this besides Annie (because I see her a lot, somehow) hello and I miss you all! I hope you are having a good summer because I don't know! It's like I've fallen off the face of the earth or something. I trust your lives are proceeding happily and productively. And hopefully they will continue that way until I get a chance to talk to you in person. Best wishes to all. There's a phrase that is used on Writer's Almanac which is an NPR program that I think is good to end all messages with and it goes thus: Be well, do good work, and keep in touch.

Dear Everyone, Life is good these days. As usual. But, I can relate to Martin's frustration at having repetitive conversations all the time, only for me it's repetitive situations. I'm feeling a definite lack of inspiration in my life. So, if any of you feel in a particuilarly inspiring mood, I'm open to whatever you have to offer. Here is something for you to think about that I have thought a lot about, and I think is interesting. This is an example of what me and Annie talk about late at night. When you see me, you don't see what I feel like I am. And likewise, when I see you, I don't really see who you are. These bodies we live in don't really show who we are. That's why sometimes when I glance in the mirror, I don't really identify that reflection with me. However, when I look at anyone else, their appearance instantly triggers a series of emotional reactions that tells you who you think they are. But is it really true? Is your perception of a person more true than that person's own perception of themselves? Can you ever really know a person so deeply beyond any of the superficial identification tags we have? I don't think so, even though it's kind of a romantic idea. I think God can, though. I like to think at least somebody knows who I am, because I have doubts that even I do. You know what I would really like to know? It's a very selfish desire, but I think it would be fascinating. What emotional response do you have when you see me, and how close is it to my own sense of identity? But I don't expect anyone to be that honest. So, I see you, but I don't really see you, and I think I know you, but do I? Telepathy sure would add a whole new dimension to relationships. Do you think there is a part of someone's being that goes beyond their thoughts? There must be. Are emotions beyond thought? No, I have a feeling emotions are a whole lot less important than everybody likes to say. But I think there is some core of our being that might be inexpressable in words, maybe even unrecognizable in ourselves. But this is getting way too metaphysical. Talk to you all later.

Dear everyone, Well, it's been an embarrassingly long time since I've written in my blog, and the danger in that is that now there is too much history to write to keep you updated on my life. But, the good thing is that my life has never been especially interesting, so you're not missing much. Summer has been great. Do you realize this is the first time since the summer before ninth grade that I haven't had ANYTHING to worry about? there is absolutely no pressure to do anything, except for to start thinking about packing for college. So, I've been lolling around in a state of utmost laziness. I haven't exactly been doing nothing, because my mom and I took a graduation trip up to Banff National Park in Canada where we hiked and camped for two weeks. It was so beautiful up there, I just tried to absorb all the peace of that land. Banff is located in the Canadian Rockies, and just like in the U.S., the mountains rise straight up out of the plains, which are green and lush and fertile. As you're driving away from the mountains, the plains gradually encompass you in their endless rolling hills, and the air achieves that indefinable quality of texture which paints the mountains with blue and gray shadows. If you're lucky, the clouds will create a panorama of soft white and gray and blue in the sky that stretches beyond the horizon, leaving you with a tantalizing hint of the world that exists just beyond the edges of your vision. Sometimes, you can see the shape of the wind in the clouds as they sweep up to the border of the mountains and get caught among the peaks, which look strangely small from the perspective of the middle of nowhere. The scene creates such a juxtaposition of feeling, on the one hand is the exhileration of being a part of this beautiful, perfectly sculpted land, and on the other is the sense of complete and utter unimportance, the very smallness and transience of emotion and thought and being swallowed up in that great endless immensity. I hope you guys can feel even a whisper of the spirit of the earth that was so clearly manifested to me in those two week in the mountains. Well, I spent much longer on that than I anticipated. Right now, I'm involved in Girl Scout Day camp which is a lot like Annie's Y camp, except I'm doing it out of the goodness of my heart (i.e., not getting paid) and we don't get to go to Hurricane Harbor. Actually, it's a lot of fun. I'm teaching my girls, which are in fifth and sixth grade, how to cook in the outdoors. At the end of the day I am so sweaty and disgustingly gross that I can hardly bear it, but it's only for a week, so I suppose I will survive. Well, that's about it. I hope life is treating you all as well as you deserve, and I hope you are in turn filling up each minute with its goodness.

16 June, 2002 Ta Da!!! I'm writing!! I suppose the inspiration for writing is the fact that i'm listening to that type of music that makes me wish I could give a piece of my soul to all of my friends.It's sort of a wistful, farewell feeling. Graduation is too soon! you guys, life is so wonderful, and we're living it. Sometimes when the realization of my blessings hits me, it feels like i'm living in a rainbow. i love you guys so much, when I think about my friendship with you, I want to be a better person for you guys. I'm so grateful I have people to love. It can cause a lot of pain, but so much more joy. I'm not very good at showing it all the time, so I'm glad I can tell you all now. Wouldn't it be beautiful if love was tangible? In my mind love would look like great silver and gold streams of light connecting us to one another. I hope you guys always have someone to love.

Look, everyone. I'm writing in my blog! Hurray! Good for Rachel! well, that tantalizing taste of my life in blog form is going to have to suffice until later. Somehow I'm not in the mood for writing.

8 April, 2002 well, right now I'm at BYU. I'm spending my day with my sister Naomi, doing all the things that college students do. The rest of my family is skiing right now, but I forgot to bring snow clothes, so I couldn't go with them. Besides, this terrible feeling of getting tired of my family has been creeping up on me lately. That was an awkward sentence. This whole weekend has been non-stop with my family, and I think it must be a sign of my disintegrating maturity that I find it increasingly more difficult to have a good time with them. I don't know, maybe it's just the fact that most of the time has been spent in a van, which, despite its large size, is not large enough to accomodate three rambunctious boys and one sulky little girl, plus me, an angry teenager. Actually, I'm painting the picture worse than it really is. I've had a good time fooling around with my brothers, which is becoming more and more fun as they become older and older. I guess what it comes down to is the stress of being a good older sister and a good daughter. I feel like it's my obligation to hold everyone together, but sometimes I'm just so selfish I can't stand myself. For some reason, I just resist doing and saying things that I know will make other people happy. It really is no inconvenience to me, but for some reason I feel this selfish desire to impose my own feelings on other people in everything that I do. That probably doesn't make any sense without an example to go along with it. Well, last night I was horrid to my mother, which was awful, becuase she deserves only my praise and adulation. It was even more horrid because I meant to be horrid to her, and I wanted her to see that I was being horrid. The evening had been difficult, because, well, I don't know why it was, but it just seemed lugubrious. Doesn't that word convey its meaning so well? Lugubrious. I was spending the night at my sisters apartment, and my mom could tell I was in a tiff because I wanted her to tell. So, right before she left, she said, Rachel, don't be in a bad mood. Well, I just looked at her and then said heartlessly, "I learn it from my mother." Which isn't entirely false, because she had been in a grouch a little bit too, but the fact that I said it in front of Naomi and her roommates and her sort-of boyfriend made it entirely worse. I immediately saw the error of my ways, because as much as I wanted her to see how irritated I was, even irritated at her, I didn't want to hurt her. Which I obviously did. I don't know why I said it. I tried to give her a hug and tell her that I was horrible, but she just gave me a penetrating glance that meant, "if it wasn't for these other people here, I'd probably start crying." I know what a fragile self-esteem my mother has, and I deliberately crushed it. I'm such and ungrateful, cruel wretch! Maybe I'll write her a letter and explain and appologize profusely and shower her with compliments. I should do that anyway. I guess that shows how much you can hurt a person when you love them. you know, I bet you get tired of me analyzing the workings of my mind. I thank you for your patience in allowing me to do that. Well, that's my trauma for the weekend, I suppose. It's been fun to be with my sister, and especially see her with her sort-of boyfriend. I don't get much of a chance to see her in "romance" mode, and I must say it was very entertaining. What fools love makes of us. I went to one of her English classes today, and I thoroughly enjoyed it. THere was intelligent discussion, and thoughful analysis of the essay that the students had read. I love that surge of excitement that comes when really good ideas are being tossed around a room, and you actually feel a part of it. So, that's the news from Utah. I should be back on Wednesday night, so you probably won't hear from me too much in the near future. Have a good day, and think at least one original thought.

3 April, 2002 Well, today wasn't such a wonderful day. By the way, I'm pretty much going to be feeling sorry for myself this whole entry, so you might want to leave. There wasn't anything particularly wrong with my day, it just wasn't very good. Everything today just felt tortuous, like I was just slogging through time. It was just too much effort to be happy. Then choir came, and Ms. Rios wasn't there and I didn't feel like singing but we had to have a sectional anyway. Everyone was loud and cacophonous (Andrew, I know I spelled that wrong. I'm in much too bad of a mood for you to even think about correcting me). I don't know why I put myself in the position of leading those sectionals, or the choir, for that matter. I'm not even particularly good at it, and everyone enjoys Ryan a lot more anyway. Well, that was grossly self-pitying, but I'm not going to erase it, because it is true nonetheless. So then, after we were done singing, i just sat on the ground watching people around me interact in normal, happy ways while sat there feasting on my morose self-involvedness. A couple of people looked concernedly at me and said "are you okay?" and I said yes, because what was actually wrong? I came to the conclusion that I was just tired of myself. I asked Missy if she had ever felt that way, which was really stupid because I could already feel myself hovering on the brink of tears, and once I said the words I just started to cry, much to my surprise, because I never cry, and I hate crying over nothing because it seems like such a weak thing to do. I was puzzled that I was crying, and that just made me feel worse. It helped when Annie and Ross gave me big hugs. Words are too imprecise to help somebody really feel better, a hug is the only thing that can do it. Julie couldn't understand why I was tired of myself. She told me all the things that she saw as good about me, which was nice of her, and helped me realize that I was being silly, but I still couldn't shake the feeling that I really wanted to be someone different. I've thought about it more, and here's what I came up with. Of course it's nice to be able to have lots of good achievements, but in the long run those don't matter that much. What really matters is the interaction you have between people, and I'm just tired of how I react to people, and especially how people react to me. It all feels hollow, somehow. I never really learned how to be just a regular person doing regular things, because as a kid when most people learn that sort of thing, I stuttered a lot, and who wants to be around someone who stutters, or maybe more realistically, who thinks they want to be around someone who stutters. But I'm going into too much of my life history here, and that isn't what I meant to do. So that's all the convoluted internal stuff as to why I felt so bad. Then English was exceedingly boring today, and I'm getting a B in the class. That's just great. I feel better now, but what's really changed? Life just goes on, whether you feel bad or not, so you can't stop for too long to cry. Well, I guess that's all.

Tada!!!!! I'm writing! Unfortunately, I haven't got much to say. My life is, as usual, fairly boring. I had musical rehearsal today, which just put me in the best mood. I don't know why, it's just one of the inexplicable things. Perhaps it is the fact that I don't have too much homework today, and that I'm getting a 95 in Calculus. Yay! (pretend I just did a little skip) Okay, I'm feeling a little delirious. It must be the intoxication that comes from writing in my blog again after so long. annie caught you all up on my weekend, which was exactly the same, except that I didn't sneak out until 4 in the morning. I'm glad the boys are back from mens choir. It sounded like they had a great time. Andrew, I want to hear more of those scandals. And, I want to hear more about Gideon. You wrote two sentences about him. I want all the gory details. You know, I've been getting frustrated with Andrew, and he knows it. He's so insufferable! And it's not only that, but the fact that he enjoys being insufferable! So, Andrew, if you are insufferable, what is the only response available to me except to be long-suffering? So, I magnanimously forgive you for your insufferability. It's rare that I really ever get bothered by something seriously, but Andrew has that magical talent. sometimes I wonder if it's a bad thing that I don't get mad at people. the truth of it is, I just don't care about anything enough to waste energy on getting mad. The result is that people think I'm so nice, but the truth is that I'm just too apathetic not to be. I fear that I am slipping into apathy in my life. Apathy, in my mind, is a great sin, because it is such a waste of life. The only purpose an apathetic person serves is the perpetuation bodily functions. Yet, despite the fact the I can see my sin clearly, I cannot muster up the conviction to pull myself out of it. So, my question for you is this: how is one cured of apathy? Carina and I talked about it on one of our long runs (our 10 mile run, actually. I want you all to be very impressed with that, because I am sore). We came to the conclusion that knowledge and worldly experience is probably the best cure, but I'm not completely convinced of that. I think part of it is believing in the importance of your own life. I find myself doubting that sometimes. That sounds sad, but it really is just contemplative. Okay, I'll be looking forward to all your responses to that question today.

14 February, 2002 Well, Happy Valentine's Day to all you out there. I hope you felt a little more lovable today. I started this blog earlier today, but it got erased. I had this clever little gimmick to make fun of Andrew not having his AP English book yet, but I can't remember what it was. You will just have to imagine my sparkling wit. Well, life is going pretty well since the last time I wrote. Second semester senior year is turning out pretty well. Especially since I just got the news that I am a finalist for this really big scholarship that all of my older siblings (I'm talking about a ten year tradition here - every single one of my older brother and sisters (four of them) were finalists for this scholarship, and three of them actually got it) were finalists for. So, the pressure of family expectations has eased up a little bit, and maybe I won't have to take Zoe's advice about being unique in my family to be the first one to get a C on a report card. As a part of the judging for this scholarship I get to go up to BYU for a few days to participate in lots of rigorous and stressful interviews. But, I think it will be fun. Oh no. I just realized I have to miss Golden State. Oh no. What am I going to do? Ms. Rios is going to have a fit. Oh no. I can't believe it. But there's nothing I can do. I have to go up to BYU. Darn it. DARN IT! well, that's it. That certainly put a damper on the good news. So much for my good day. Well, it was a good day up until that point. Even though it was Valentine's day and I don't have a boyfriend and it seemed like every other person had a significant other and was either smooching, hugging, or holding hands, I was still happy today. My mom made a special dinner tonight in honor of the holiday, which always puts me in a festive mood. Also, I'm going out tomorrow night with somebody that actually i don't know very well on a pseudo date. It's not really a date, but it's as close as I'll probably ever get to one. You know, I'm not very good at playing the dating game. For example, he (Mike) called me tonight to make arrangements for tomorrow, and any sensible girl with an ounce of flirtation in her body would have stayed on the phone and talked. After all, he called. But I just got off the phone as quickly as I could. I definitely need to work on my people skills, which is a terrible thing to say considering I just spent the last four months surrounded by people. The truth is, most of the time I can never think of anything interesting to say. It's my biggest fear to be alone with another person and have to think of things to talk about. I either end up sounding stupid or . . . well, just stupid. I always end up giving the wrong impression. That's why I hate talking on the phone. Also, I communicate a lot based on visual cues, so its hard for me to have a conversation with someone I can't see. Well, I guess this is my chance to practice those people skills. Sorry, I didn't mean for that to turn into a big long blab. I'll report tomorrow night. The musical just started up this week. I'm really excited for it, except now I'm wishing I had tried out for at least a little part instead of just going for the chorus. Not very many of my close friends are doing the musical. I actually felt a little bit lonely at the first rehearsal. Not because I didn't feel like I fit in, or that I didn't know any one there, but just because I realized how much I depend on other people for my social interaction. It made me feel very . . . expendable somehow. And that is never a good way to feel, because that means that you are just useless, and your existence has no purpose. well, that's an uplifting thought. I wish I was one of those people that just naturally attracts people, and naturally makes and keeps friends. Maybe I could be, but I don't think I would be myself if I tried to feign it. That's one reason I'm scared for college. I can really see myself knowing a whole lot of people, and smiling and nodding to a lot of people, but when it comes to the weekends or whatever, I'll just be by myself. but maybe that wouldn't be such a bad thing. What causes this basic human need for acceptance? But I see what my problem is. I'm expecting other people to go out of their way to make me a part of their life. It can't just be like that. I have to go out of my way to make them a part of my life too. Ah! revelation. If I really wanted to continue this arguement in a downward spiral toward low self-confidence, I could say that no one would really be interested in being a part of my life, but that would be just too self-pitying for words, besides being untrue (at least, I hope). So, I will leave you with the encouragement to go out and make a friend. All right, all right, that was a little bit cheesy, but hey, it's me. Adieu! p.s. - Martin, I'm sorry your brother isn't making a very good impression of Mormonism for you. I hope you won't make judgements on what he professes to believe by the way he acts. there's probably all sorts of philosophical flaws in what I just said, but I meant it with the best of intentions.

7 February, 2002 Well, Thursday has come and gone, and I must say it was exceedingly boring. Isn't it unfortunate that school is boring? That's probably more a reflection on me than my classes, though. My grandpa always says that if you are ever bored, you are just lazy and unimaginative. But still, I don't think any amount of imagination could make French more interesting, or help me understand calculus any better. but, there was one hilight, and that was receiving report cards (only a true nerd would ever say that). yes! I achieved what my mom claimed was impossible! I got A's in my classes without studying very hard for finals! Actually, I was really lucky in Calculus and government to get my A. In calculus, the only reason I got an A was because the final was dropped. And in Government, there must have been a miracle of some sort, because nothing else would have enabled me to scrape by. Annie came by my house this afternoon to see if I was interested in going on a date tomorrow night (not with her) but alas, I had to decline because I'm going to be on a submarine. The Rose Court got invited to go down to San Diego to take a tour of the USS Pasadena, an attack submarine, and eat dinner with the crew. Did you know that the Submarine Service is the only branch of the military still closed to women? A while ago I would have been up in arms about that, but now I'm not. I really used to have this grudge against men in general back in sixth and seventh grade. I guess I was quite the feminist. Isn't it funny that feminist and feminine have such opposite connotations? Thinking back on my old opinions, I'm not quite sure where the bitter feelings came from, or how they stopped. I think I just reconciled in my mind that there was inequality in the past, and that it was terrible, but that it didn't have to affect me. But despite the fact that I still believe strongly in the liberation of my sex, I still value some of the old ideals of chivalry. One of those ideals is the idea that boys are the ones that ask girls out on dates, but I'm willing to compensate for that weakness in men by asking them out on dates instead. So, I'm a little sad that I can't capitalize on the weakness of men by taking Martin on a date tomorrow because I'm going to be on a submarine. Now, wasn't that a beautifully circular narration? Look at that, right back to where we started, Annie's invitation to go on a date. Martin, did you know that you were my potential date for tomorrow night? I think it would have been really fun, so we'll have to plan on another Friday. I don't know why you don't want to go with Michelle. She's really nice, and funny, and maybe not exactly your type, but everyone could use a little variety. Anyway, that's my pitch for Martin to go on a date with Michelle. But I guess he's devoted to Whitney (which Whitney?) in Trans (sorry, I hope that wasn't too personal, I read your blog today). Well, I haven't got any more profound thoughts with which to enlighten the world, so I'll stop wasting time. Goodbye!

4 February, 2002 Well, first day of second semester. I'm going to do all of my homework tonight. You know, nothing exciting happened all weekend until Saturday night, and then I went to Diana's house and all of a sudden life got interesting, but also really depressing. Jenny got really drunk, and it was my first exposure to drunkeness that degrading. It was pretty awful. I'm so worried about Jenny. I'm just so worried, and I don't know what to do. You know, the whole experience was kind of ironic. While Jenny was drunk, she kept on saying "I have no self-esteem," over and over again. She was totally incoherent, incapacitated in every way. She couldn't walk, couldn't talk, couldn't throw up without help. She couldn't go to the bathroom, she couldn't stay awake, she couldn't even support her own body weight. And in the midst of all that she was bemoaning her lack of self-esteem. The curious thing is that I'm not mad at her. I'm just very, very sad, sort of cringing inside. Her life is just ailing. That's the only word I can think for it. Anyway, I probably wrote more than I should have about the whole situation, so enough about it. The rest of the night was salvaged, however, as the rest of the 15 girls at Diana's house played a rousing game of 10 fingers. Annie and I joined the game after taking Jenny home. I didn't end up leaving until about 4:00 am. The next day church was pretty uneventful. In the evening the mormon girls went to visit Chris Weston in the hospital. It was fun and fulfilling. I hope we made him feel better. We brought him tons of stuff to keep him occupied. I wonder how much of it he'll use. Anyway, that brings me to today, the first day back at school. It was everything I expected, except for an unsettling confrontation that I had. It wasn't really a confrontation, but a disturbing difference of opinion. It happened as a result of Saturday night, actually. When I got back to Diana's house after taking Jenny home, I was upset at what had happened. I had just seen a girl who was very, very sick, more than just physically. I had spent an hour and a half caring for her with Annie, cleaning up after her and holding her. No one helped. No one seemed sorry. No one seemed willing to help except me and Annie, who were not even involved in the drinking in the first place. Patricija came outside once assess the situation but she didn't stay. So, when I came back, I addressed the girls and told them that the situation should not have happened, and that although Jenny was ultimately at fault for what she did to herself, it should not have been allowed to get to that point. The people in the kitchen involved in the drinking had a responsibility as well for the well-being of everyone in the kitchen, including Jenny. I guess I seemed self-righteous and spiteful, because I obviously made the wrong impression. True, I was emotional over the event, but for just cause. Missy in particular took offense to what I said. She said that I was completely out of line in my chasitsement, that I let my emotions get the better of me, that I didn't get the whole story before I made judgements. Basically, she said that I acted in an extremely immature manner to tell the people involved in the drinking that they acted irresponsibly when I wasn't there, and when I didn't see what had happened. She said that the people in the kitchen had done everything in their power to stop Jenny from drinking more than she should have. Missy was pretty strong about what she said. I was pretty taken aback by it. I was hurt and actually kind of amazed that Missy could take a situation in which a bunch of teenagers (of which she was one) got drunk, one of them seriously, and call me immature for taking them to task for their behavior. I'm amazed that she can call me immature and tell me that I didn't think my actions through, that she can somehow look at this situation and find me the one who did something wrong. You know what she said to justify the fact that no one helped Jenny? She said that she couldn't help because she was drunk. That was true, but the way I see it was that she took one irresponsible decision (to get drunk in the first place) to justify another irresponsible decision. And then she tells me that I'm immature in my behavior. Missy prides herself in her rationality, but I just don't see it in this case. I'm still upset, as you can see, because I felt attacked unjustly, but more because Missy really and truly disagrees with my behavior. Her opinion of me has lessened as a result of this (no matter what she might say to the contrary), and I wasn't able to alter her thinking at all. She still thinks I did something wrong, but more importantly that she did nothing wrong. I asked her if she felt guilty, and she said no, not at all. I just can't fathom it. She tried to make me feel better by telling me something that made her ashamed once, but that didn't make me feel better because it just showed me that she thought I was and should be ashamed when I wasn't at all. I felt like she was being a little bit condescending, even though I know that wasn't what she intended. It just made me realize that nothing I said had redeemed my actions. She is right in one thing, that I should have asked about what had happened to get the other perspective before I launched into my preaching (even if I had, I don't think I would have changed my opinion, although I think I wouldn't have been so public with it). But, what puzzles me is this: did Missy get my perspective before she reprimanded my behavior? No, she didn't. How do I reconcile that? Okay, my tirade is done. Strangely enough, I'm not upset at Missy anymore. I just feel so bad about her opinion of me, and I don't know what to do about it. Actually, that wasn't completely true. I also feel so bad because Missy was right in the fact that I should have gotten a cleared picture of what happened, so there's an element of guilt (but, may I add, not a very big element). I think Elizabeth felt similar to Missy, but I haven't talked at length with her about it. I think that when Missy and Elizabeth were together last night, they talked over the situation and magnified their resentful feelings with each other, and I think that might have added to the vehemence of Missy's upbraiding. I think Patricija is mad too. I really do need to talk to her, because I know she can hold a grudge and I don't want her as an enemy. All right, that's all. No more. It is completely behind me. And no hard feelings (at least I'm mature enought to do that!). Missy (or Elizabeth or Patricija, for that matter), if you read this, which I hope you do, know that I really don't want to lose your friendship over this, and I hope that you can forgive me for the offense I gave you. I meant to make you feel bad, not offended!(smile, that was a joke (but not really)) And if you truly did everything in your power to help Jenny, then you needn't even feel bad, except for the general debasement of getting drunk in the first place. I know I sounded petty and mean above, but I felt like you deserve my honesty, even if it reflects badly on me. I hope this doesn't backfire on me the way my actions did on Saturday. I also appreciate your honesty, instead of letting it fester inside. Okay, that's all I have to say.

what interesting people there are in the world. And thank goodness, too, they're so entertaining.

Well, the long inevitable slide has started, no matter how long I've tried to postpone it. It always begins as missing a few days here, a few days there, but sooner or later, it happens. I stop writing. In whatever it is, whether it be journal or letter or blog, i am never as diligent as I imagined I first would be. Well, hopefully with the encouragement of fellow bloggers I will be able to overcome this fatal flaw for a bit longer than I would have otherwise. you know, there is hardly anything that anyone does for an entire lifetime. I think I read somewhere once that the only thing a person does for the entire span of their existence is breathe. what an interesting thought about the self-discipline of the human race. Self-discipline has been on my mind lately, as I have had a serious lack of it with regard to finals (by the way, I must apologize for the histrionics I displayed in my last entry. It was one of those desperate cries of agony that come as a result of too much school.) My mom and I had several disagreements, shall we say, about my study habits this weekend. My grades aren't exactly where they should be, and my mom thought I should have been spending as much time as was humanly possible bringing them up. Well, needless to say, I didn't. In fact, all weekend I was closeted up in my room pretending to study, but really I was just reading novels. My mom knew what was up, as moms usually do, and she would advise me with the most heartfelt of entreaties to go and study. Well, I felt guilty for not studying (because I should have been, no doubt about it, but alas, the curse of procrastination, or worse yet, trusting to fate to determine my success) and so I got mad at her, and even managed to conjure up some tears about the pressure she was putting me under, and generally made her feel bad. How typically teenager. Shirking responsibility as usual. Well, she and I had a nice heart-to-heart about trying to overcome my weaknesses, namely my tendency not to work, and how if I overcome those weaknesses my sense of self-worth would go up, I would be more productive, and generally happier and a better addition to the human race. I tried to make up for being so horrid to her by being especially loving and appreciative afterward. Being a mother is hard. I'm glad I'm not one yet. It may sound like I'm taking a derisive tone, but I really do agree with my mom. Hence, today, I only read a little bit of a novel, and spent the rest of the evening studying for biology. I'm on my way to improvement. Okay, enough about finals. Time for some good old-fashioned teenage angst. Today my uncle sent his weekly letter documenting the wonderful achievements of his family. His letters always make me feel slightly inadequate, and very, very ordinary. His kids, which are jsut right around the same age as me and my siblings, are always doing wonderful things - performing magnificently in school plays, being voted homecoming royalty, auditioning for prestigious scholarships, being the star player of whatever is the current sport, all this and more. I'm not even exagerating. His kids really are that amazing. But, worst of all, he had a daughter who just turned 16 and is beautiful, she dances, plays the violin, viola, harp, and piano, gets good grades, is socially graceful, and generally better at everything than I am. What made me so deflated today when I read this letter was the constant narrative of her dating life. She turned 16 about a month ago, which means that she can finally date. well, she has been on at least two dates every single weekend, and several other dates during the week. I'm not joking. In fact, she's had boys waiting to date her for more than two years.I on the other hand, am almost 18, and have been on a grand total of not one, not two, but zero dates. For almost two years!!!!! It's sickening. I can't help but ask myself, what is wrong with me? no, really, what is wrong with me? Don't try to make excuses for me, I know I'm doomed to old-maidenhood. Who can compete with a gorgeous girl perfect in every way? I sink even further into my homely inadequacy just thinking about it. If anybody has any words of advice or suggestions for personal improvement, please, help a poor lovelorn girl! Thank you for suffering this little outburst of mine. well, until I come again, may loveliness fill your life.

24 January BlahblahblahBLAAAAAAAAAAAH!!!!!!!!!!!! My life is spiraling down the drain AS WE SPEAK!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Ok, sorry for the drama. I'll write tomorrow when I'm more coherent. Oh, wait. I'll be studying for finals. BLAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH

January 23, 2002 Today was a horrendous, terrible, stressful day. But now that it's all over, I can look back and breathe a sigh of relief, and bask in the joy that comes with not having much homework. Despite the difficulty of the day, I am left with an abounding sense of joy right now. I wish I could send you how happy I feel right now! I'm not even sure why I feel so happy, which in some ways makes it even better because it is so unexpected. I think I'm just full of contentment and the knowledge of how blessed I am in all aspects of life, but most especially with regard to all the people I am privileged to call my friends. Blog entries have become a nice way to express gratitude and love to friends, so I will take my turn gladly. I just got through reading Annie's blog, and I just want to tell her how glad I am for the fact that she never fails to make me happier when I'm around her. Whenever I think of you, Annie, I think of your wonderful infectious smile, and your whimsical ways. I know you are a good person and a good example, and I'm grateful that you put up with my preaching. By the way, you're beautiful! That should go without saying. Kelly, whenever I think of you I think of your comforting hugs and your innocent wisdom. To me you are a person I can look to as an example of hard work and living up to your convictions (even if you do drink Coke! (just kidding, just kidding, just kidding)). I hope I'm as good a friend to you as you are to me. Missy, if you ever get around to reading this (which, if you don't, I don't blame you because you are so busy), thank you for being my constant cheerleader even when I don't deserve it, thank you for showing me new ways to think about things, and last but not least, thanks for keeping Bio bearable! Jen, you are so good even when you don't have to be, which is a bigger accomplishment than being good only because you are supposed to. I'm glad for your ready smile, and I hope that you will always have reasons to smile! Jessica, I'm ashamed to say that I don't know you that well, but I hope that I will be able to soon. I do remember being in Girl Scouts all those years ago, however . . . you were skinny as ever! Andrew, in spite of the fact that we are so opposite in many ways, I've learned to appreciate those differences immensely (I've come a long way from our eighth grade religious discussions, haven't I?), and enjoyed our similarities even more. I love the fact that you are so unconventional in everything you do, you definitely make life more entertaining and thought-provoking (for instance, telling me what "blog" meant). Besides, I see a genuine kindness in you that I want to emulate. Martin, I'm afraid that I have missed out on a friendship with you that I think I would have enjoyed a lot. Thankfully we have chamber singers and the rest of senior year to make it up. Kris, if you ever get around to seeing this also, I just want to wish you best of luck in whatever you do. you have amazing potential, and I'm glad to know you. not to mention the fact that you are such a fun person to be around, I always feel comfortable with you. That is a blessing for me indeed! Well, I think those are the only people that might possibly ever read this. I'm glad I got a chance to tell you what you all mean to me, and thanks for being part of my life.

21 January, 2002 Mounds of homework still to finish, so this should be a short entry (a nice change from the prior trend). Why is it that I always procrastinate? Well, I know. It's because I am so terribly, awfully, despairingly lazy. Now it's 10:30 and my homework is only half done. I'm doomed! Oh, well midterms next week, so i can hold off till then. This has been a refreshing weekend, even if I am paying the consequences of it now. It was so nice to be able to be with my mormon girls, even though there was a bit of friction between Kelly and Jenny, and even though I was just the littlest bit nervous about sneaking out late at night. If my parents had found out, I would be in such big trouble I don't even want to contemplate the thought. So, luckily we weren't caught. I also talked to Jenny B., which was both frustrating and relieving for me. I'm glad I was able to tell her how I felt about her recent (or maybe not so recent) change in behavior, but I'm not sure if I was able to change her mind about anything. Well, that isn't my responsibility in the first place, but still . . . I wish she would have some gumption in her, to actually do something with her life instead of squandering it away like she is now. When I talk to her, I get the impression that she has the mental conviction of a wet noodle. but, don't tell her I said that, because she will get mad, and I hate confrontation. Well, that's about as much drama as my life had this weekend. thank goodness I have nothing to complain about or whine about in my life. Everything seems to be going swimmingly. I went to the Nixon Museum with Julie, Zoe, and Emily Lerner today. It was fun. It made me feel very adventurous and independent to go. The day was so beautiful that it was almost a shame to waste it in a museum working for extra credit for Government. Actually, it was a decided shame. I almost hope the weather is bad for the next week and a half until finals are over so I won't have to be regretting the fact that I will be certainly studying and not enjoying the world. anyway, goodnight and adieu.

January 19, 2002 Wow! three days in a row. That's got to be some kind of record for me. Today was a pretty uneventful day. I got up, got ready for some rose court stuff, did my rose court stuff, went to in-n-out with the rose court people, then came home where much to my delight I saw that my oldest sister had come into town with her completely adorable baby. you've never seen a cuter baby, I promise. I went to go see "A Beautiful Mind" with Rosalynde (my sister) in the afternoon. I really enjoyed the movie. It wasn't exactly brilliantly insightful, but it was definitely thought provoking. It was made all the more interesting by the fact that it's a true story. It makes me want to learn more about Dr. Nash's equilibrium theory, his game theory. As far as what I understand, it basically says that in any competition there comes a time when the parties involved will have to make a choice - either to make a choice that would benefit you and everyone else involved, or it would benefit only you, but to a much greater degree. Apparently Dr. Nash was able to express this in mathematics, and it refutes lots of the economic ideas we had left over from Adam Smith. It can also be applied to lots of different aspects of life - military strategy, law, foreign relations, time models, all sorts of different things. Isn't that fascinating? that's so amazing that a truth can be expressed in so many different ways, and it will still be true in every aspect. Think about it. An underlying law that governs life in so many different ways was discovered. Through all the chaos that we experience, order was made. That gives me great faith in God. anyway, the long and short of it is that I think the movies was great. I hung out with "the group" tonight after going babysitting. It was fun, not particularly noteworthy, but just a good solid night of maintaining relationships. Zoe and Patricija were there, and were lamenting the hardships of their life. It pains me to see them feeling so joyless because of such and insignificant thing as not having a boyfriend. I just want them to be exuberant in all the amazing things that are at their fingertips, and don't think about those things which are troubling you, especially if you can't do anything about it. Well, don't not think about it, but put it in perspective. Consider the state of our lives to be a puzzle, and life is putting that puzzle together. So, not having a boyfriend is just a gap in the general picture, a piece of the puzzle you don't have yet, waiting to be filled in later at the proper time surrounded by the other proper pieces. So, instead of dwelling on that gap in your life, focus on the rest of the beautiful picture that you have created with your life. Or, if not that, work on building your puzzle with the pieces that you do have. Oh, well. I also talked to Liz today, and she seemed very ashamed of her behavior on Friday night, which she very much should have been. But I don't think she is going to change her behavior because of it. I've given up trying to understand why people get drunk. All I can do now is let them know I disapprove (which I do amply), and then try to help them with the troubles that arise from being drunk. I asked her if she was going to alter her actions as a result from this incident which I think she considers a mistake, but she didn't seem certain. I told her that the difference between foolishness and wisdom is the ability to learn and change from your mistakes. I don't know if that sank in. I have my doubts. I have my doubts about a lot of people. But, change of subject. Hmm. there are lots of things I could talk about, but I don't really have the time or the energy, so they will have to wait until another day. So, a bientot!

January 18, 2002 Well, today my spirits are significantly higher than they were last night. I just returned from Disneyland with the orchestra and band where we performed for half and hour and had the rest of the day to enjoy Disneyland and California Adventure. It was a very restful, rejeuvenating day. I wandered around with Carina all day. Literally all day. At first I was a little apprehensive that the day was going to be filled with awkward pauses in the conversation, but I was delightfully wrong. We talked about absolutely everything you could think of, and even though there were pauses in the conversation, they were nice, content pauses rather than awkward silences. I know I'm spelling awkward wrong. Anyway, I felt completely relaxed all day long. Another instance when my fear of conversation has been conquered! (I'm a terrible conversationalist, a fault I am constantly trying to eradicate) An unexpected pleasure was to discover a wonderful friend in Carina. It's amazing how similar we are to one another in our opinions about life. She is just a wonderful girl. We talked about too many things to repeat them all here, although they were interesting and insightful. We also talked about what to get Julie for her birthday, and we tentatively came up with the idea of a cute beanie, because she looks so adorable in them, but we basically came to the consensus that we could never repay Julie for her friendship with a paltry birthday gift. Julie is one of the most thoughtful people I know. What's best, it isn't a forced or feigned throughtfulness, it is completely genuine. She is one of the best models of friendship that I think I know. So, happy 18th birthday Julie! I hope getting your ears pierced didn't hurt too much. Tomorrow I have to give a speech on achieving goals. That wouldn't be too difficult, but it has to be between five and ten minutes long. I think I'm just going to improv and hope for the best. I'm glad I feel confidant enough to do that now. Carina asked me an interesting question today. She asked if my Rose Court experience had boosted my self-esteem. Well, I think I've usually had pretty good self-esteem, but not always self-confidence. The two are different in subtle ways. I think self-esteem is the result of what you value in yourself as a person, and I think self-confidence is the result of what you think other people value in you as a person. My self-esteem hasn't changed too much, because I haven't changed what I value about myself, but my self confidence has been boosted because now I have confidence that other people will like those things that I value about myself. Does that make sense? It makes sense to me. But enough of philosophy. Tomorrow there are also tentative plans to go the Kokomo's, but I don't know if I am going to go after all. I don't think my parents would be that thrilled about me going. In fact, I think I would have to lie in order to go. I don't really want to do that. So, maybe I will ask my parents if I can go (because who knows, miracles still exist), and if they say no, at least I can be mad about it with a clean conscience. I want to go because it would be something new and different, but would it really be fun anyway? I hope that it would be fun just to be with the girls, and that it won't turn into a competition to see who can attract the most boys. I always lose those competitions, and then I end up feeling bad. As much as I've tried to avoid becoming the typical teenage girl, I'm afraid I haven't escaped my genes after all. I never thought that I would lament over boys to the extent that I do these days. Silly me! Well, since I have a mountain of homework to finish tomorrow, and it is already too late, I will bid you adieu until next time.

17 January I'm looking forward very much to my "blog" experience. by the way, what does blog mean? obviously something about logs, but I haven't figured out what the b is there for. It seems a little strange to just dive into a full on entry without any prior entries, like starting a book halfway through. but, what else is there for me to do but write about my life, and since the only people who will read are my friends they will already know what's going on in my life, so no need for explanation. when I write in this, all those who read this will discover my deep dark secret, that really I have nothing interesting going on in my brain, or in my life for that matter. I have a profound sense of the unimportance of my life, and so nothing that really happens in my mundane day to day existence I don't really consider worth mentioning. That sounded very despairing and depressing and black-hearted, but it wasn't meant to be. Simply a statement of fact. You know what would be really sad? If I spent time writing on this and no one read it. So I guess the solution to that problem would be to not write for anyone else but myself. That way it won't matter. I don't know. I'm kind of hesitant to do that, because then people will see me at my most unveiled moments, and I really won't be able to keep up my pretense. A pretense of what, I don't really know. Perhaps the readers will have to be the judge of that. Perhaps a pretense of my unselfishness or wisdom. Really I am guilty of both selfishness and foolishness. You know, I'm really liking this stream of consciousness form of writing. But anyway, back to why I don't want anyone to see my most unveiled moments, I don't suppose anyone wants anybody to see them at their most unveiled moments. It makes us too vulnerable to hurt. But, as I was saying to Missy tonight, everything that's good hurts us in some way. How's that for a deep thought? I feel kind of empty tonight. Cast off, somehow, I don't know, unneeded. I don't have a best friend, I don't even think I have what I could call a close friend. I seem to repel those kind of relationships somehow. It makes me lonely. I can sort of feel myself slipping into a mild depression. Before I go any further, for anybody reading this, this is not a pity party, and I mean that with all the sincerity of my heart. I don't want consoling emails or messages trying to lift me up. I'm writing this for myself, you know, not so anyone else can make me feel better. I know part of my low spirits is because I haven't been reading my scriptures as I should. at least, I think that's why. Also, it's the loss of innocence that I feel as this senior year progresses that makes me sad. What a bubble world I live in, that every new revelation of the fallacies of human nature hurts me and often even appalls me. I was appalled and hurt to learn that Jenny B. was drinking. I was hurt to see Annie cussing. I was hurt to see Annie being offended by Caroline's talk, because every word was true, and Annie you should be standing up for your values more. You've told me so yourself that you feel debased when you surround yourself with things that aren't up to your potential. Well, I'll get off my soap box. I've got quite enough to fix about myself before I start on other people. I know those last few sentences were probably low blows, because it's probably bad etiquette to make comments about someone else's blog because it was after all their own personal thoughts. That's exactly what I was talking about when I didn't want people to see my most unveiled moments, because then they would take advantage of what they read, and make judgements, and hurt me. Actually, I didn't have that fear, but that's just what I did to Annie. sorry Annie, I still love you but I don't take back a word of what I said. Anyway, I've filled up enough space with nothing of substance. I'll write again tomorrow.

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